Using "you" in relationships can bring people closer or drive them away. Have you ever noticed how saying "you" in a critical or negative way often leads to distance or disagreements?
Statements like "You are late," "You didn't call," and "You don't say kind things to me like you used to" are common, but they tend to push people away rather than bring them closer. Though culturally ingrained, these comments often come off as accusatory and repelling.
Complementary statements using "you" are influential relationship builders. Statements like "You are amazing," "I love you, "You make my day," and "I am so proud of you," are also cultural, very familiar, and create attractions.
If I am accused of something negative or condescending, I want to prove the other wrong by rationalizing, minimizing, or justifying my conversation or behavior. By not hearing the compliment in disguise, I create an offensive position and tend to defend or attack. I don't want to hear negative things about myself, especially from someone I love or who is very important to me.
If I hear something unfavorable coming from another, I can refute their comments or talk about myself and create connections.
Example:
They: "You don't give me a kiss when I come home."
Me: "Well, the last time I tried, you rebuffed me and turned away."
or
Me: "Sounds like you are feeling unappreciated. I need to work on that."
It's often easier to blame others than to look inward and see what I can do to improve the situation. While I might wish for the other person to change, it's my responsibility to work on myself instead of placing blame. By focusing on my growth and changing myself, I avoid projecting my insecurities onto my partner, reducing conflicts and fostering a healthier relationship.
How about you? How do you use the word "you" in communications?
Watch for the blind spots.
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