Robin and Ralph have been dating for more than a year and are discussing his ex-girlfriend. Robin reports feeling that his ex is trying to keep in touch with him even though they have been apart for over a year. His ex-texts him occasionally, and it is getting under Robin's skin. She continues to complain to Ralph; he claims to have told her to stop, but it has done no good. She doesn't want to lose him, but the same old tactics aren't working. She uses this opportunity to say the same things, only louder and more frequently. [Blind Spot] Both are getting more frustrated, and the stress is overwhelming.
Out of exasperation, Robin takes the situation into her own hands and contacts the ex. Robin tells the ex to leave them alone. The ex now sees that she has stoked Robin's jealousy and escalates her texts to him.
Ralph isn't helping to diffuse the situation because he doesn't see this as a problem; he has no interest in his ex, so it is a non-issue. [Blind Spot] His inability to grasp Robin's frustration adds to her dissatisfaction, and she threatens to end their relationship if the texting doesn't stop. This frustrates Ralph because he feels helpless, claiming he has no control over her.
This situation is more common than you might think. It is easy to become a victim of the ex and lose self-control. [Blind Spot]
Ralph claims to have no control, but I see several opportunities where he can act. He can refuse to respond to the ex and let her know that her texts are forwarded straight to Robin.
And, of course, he can continue to affirm Robin and show, not tell her, that she is his one and only.
This is a perfect opportunity for Robin to reassess herself and see that she is worthy of Ralph's love. The better she feels about herself, the less she will endure. It is time to move on if she can't get Ralph to understand that she will not be in a relationship with the ex-hanging around.
This is an excellent place to examine jealousy and how it is affecting Robin's discord. If she continues to focus on the ex, the convincing evidence will appear; it's like the adage—you get what you are looking for…
Jealousy can be seen as a blend of fear, anger, and sadness. When fear is involved, jealousy feels threatening. And it's easy to experience a sense of menacing doom in your relationship.
Jealousy can only be overcome by others taking action to alleviate the problem. Example: the ex must stop texting, and he must break it off. If the other person does not act in the manner that I need, jealousy will never reside.
When jealousy can be replaced with inadequacy, the victim (Robin) becomes in control. Inadequate means to not be enough, to be insufficient, not educated enough, not able enough, or simply ill-equipped to handle the situation.
I cannot change jealousy, but I can change my inadequacy by becoming adequate. Read that again. I am now in control, not that outside force. Now I can focus on my adequacy, not my faults and shortcomings. I can see what I deserve and will not settle for poor treatment. This is easier said than done. Yet it is essential to maintain a great sense of adequacy if you are in a relationship.
Have you been a victim of jealousy? It can be a monster if you let it.
Can you see the opportunity to change jealousy with inadequacy?
Watch for the blind spots.
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Blind Spots in Relationships
What I don't know I don't know about Myself
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