Shame is a powerful emotion that disrupts both internal peace and relationships. It often arises from hurtful words, gestures, or ridicule by others. People may dismiss shame, telling us to “get over it,” but its impact can damage self-worth and connection with others.
In my early years, I attended a small rural school in Tankersley, Texas, where some students came from the West Texas Boys Ranch, a home for boys displaced by family struggles. As a dependent child, the idea of living without my parents terrified me. The boys from the ranch, hardened by life, often bullied me. Emotional survival became my priority, and I adapted by avoiding conflict, pleasing others, and doing whatever it took to fit in.
When I later moved to a larger school, I faced a new challenge: comparing myself to wealthier, more intelligent classmates. In a misguided attempt to fit in, I acted grandiose, trying to mask my shame. It took time to realize my pretense wasn’t working, which deepened my feelings of unworthiness.
For years, I wrestled with the idea of not being “enough.” But instead of blaming my past, I’ve chosen to confront it and focus on growth. Recognizing shame and the stories I tell myself has been crucial. Positive self-talk, rewriting those negative narratives, and acting as if the positive stories are true have helped lift my spirit. Shame created a sense of shyness, which was a circular concept of shame, then shyness, then shame, and so forth.
Unresolved shame created blind spots which manifested as anger, defensiveness, or pushing others away. I unknowingly harmed relationships through these behaviors, but persistence led me to healthier patterns.
The shadow of shame, like a toxin, deteriorates relationships and self-esteem. Shame is frequently unfamiliar. Seeking help with shame for me was transformative. This reflection isn’t a cure but an invitation to understand how shame impacts relationships and how addressing it can open the door to healing and connection.
How about you? Does shame play a negative role in your life?
Watch for the blind spots.
Get a copy of Blind Spots in Relationships. Discover the hidden behavior that could be holding you back from the relationships you desire. http://tinyurl.com/yc3usfsp
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