I often notice how minor disagreements can turn into major arguments. This occurs when either participant has unfinished business.
Arguments are, in many ways, unfinished business. I often see folks getting into heated debates over the thermostat setting, the TV volume, or other minor issues. But what's really going on beneath the surface?
I call it The Iceberg Concept. Imagine an iceberg—only a small part is visible above the water, while the bulk of it lies hidden beneath. In arguments, that visible tip is the trivial issue at hand. The real problem? The vast, hidden mass below the surface—past hurts, unresolved issues, and feelings of being underappreciated.
These underlying issues act like a cauldron, simmering just below the surface. When a confrontation arises, they bubble up, making the present issue seem much larger and more significant than it is. The argument about the thermostat isn't just about temperature; it's about feeling ignored or undervalued over time.
This concept helps explain why seemingly minor conflicts can escalate so quickly. The small argument becomes a lightning rod for all those unspoken grievances. It's not really about the TV volume; it's about feeling like your needs are consistently overlooked.
I try my best not to argue, but when I find myself in an argument, I take a step back. I look to consider if there's more to the story than the immediate issue. Are there unresolved feelings or past hurts driving the conflict? What am I not talking about that I need to talk about? Addressing underlying issues takes effort, but doing so can prevent minor disagreements from blowing out of proportion and help build healthier, more understanding relationships.
How about you? Are you withholding unfinished business that's turning minor disagreements into major conflicts?
Watch for the blind spots.
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